disappointment

Story of  my life,   I think that I have things figured out and then I get smacked down by life.
The job would have been perfect. I didn't get, they hired someone before they even interviewed me. Which bugs me more than interviewing and not getting it. At least interview me when you said you where going to. 
So I'm stuck in a job I am growing to dread, with no real out,  I feel so stuck and was so upset yesterday the dog hid under our bed.
I know that things will work out and that what happens is what happens. I can only control how I react.
Can things just start going well, please, I honestly don't think that I can handle anymore hard life character building. Can't I get some of that happy life character building, please?

Waiting

Yesterday I posted about the mounds of paperwork and stress that we are buried under. Today we had our interview and now we just have to wait to see if we get approved. Later this week I have a job interview and so we are stuck in a purgatory situation for a while.

  I hate waiting, I have no patience for anything, I want it all right now, It drives Rob crazy that I want to know what I'm getting for Christmas, what the surprise is, everything this minute. This year the whole Christmas seasons lost some of its bubbly excitement. Our tree is up, our house is decorated, but not with they same flair and excitement that I usually have. I'm ready for it to be over, ready to take down the tree, pack away the decorations and move on. Sad really, I feel like I'm on holiday auto pilot. I lack the proper amount of holiday cheer and no amount of sugar cookies or twinkling lights is going to fix that. So I am waiting for the holidays to be over and the sugar high of December to give way to broken resolutions, and gloomy depression of January.

paper work

I have no insurance, which means on top of all the stress and emotional stuff from losing our baby, we have to deal with the stress and paperwork of assistance.
I've been told I don't qualify because I'm not pregnant, because my husbands part time, minimum wage job pays to much, now I have to give them every piece of paper I have touched in the past 6 months, go to an interview and may be, just maybe, they can set up some sort of payment plan. Chances are tt would probably have us paying the hospital for the next 40, 50 years.
It just sucks.
 The hospital can treat you like dirt for not being insured and charge you a huge amount of money to do it.
Medicaid is the worst, why they would punish you for trying to be a good person, for having a job, paying your bills, and then suddenly being hit with something huge. Its not like we don't want to be insured, its just not that easy to find a job with insurance.  Hospitals get to make up what ever amount they want to charge because, really what choice do you have, it leaves us stuck.

Hopefully the meeting goes well they help us, and later this week I have an interview for a new job, I am hopeful that things will work out.

Thrift Shops

Don't you just love thrift shopping?  The thrill of getting something really cool for practically nothing. I am a thrift shop queen. I find things, good things, things that new or of eBay would be very expensive, for great prices.

Just today I got this  chair.  for 3 dollars! It is missing the cushions, but those are so easy to make. It will match our 1960's coffee table very well and it is about the same color wood as our dinning room table so it will tie together the dinning room and living room haves of our house well.  We needed a sitting chair to make our living room a little more user friendly. I'm thinking that it is a Danish modern lounge chair, not a outdoor chair as the thrift shop labeled it. I love the Danish modern style and its a pretty popular vintage style right now, Type danish lounge chair into Google shopping and they are all above 100 dollars, so I think I got a great deal.

Mommy

I have written a little about the fact that I'm a nanny. Baby J was 2 months old when I started watching him he is now 2 years old. Today he was at our house thundering around yelling "mommy" at  me. "mommy read this." "mommy sit" He has always called me "mommy", and I have always called him "baby". Just around the time that we lost the baby he started calling me Carlie occasionally but for the most part its still mommy.  It's bittersweet we have a bond, but now having him call me mommy makes me want to cry. I cuddle with him in our bed read Pajama Time, rocked him and sang 'I've been working on the railroad' (it is the only lullaby that works) and put him down for a nap in our bed under a lime green hippo blanket, theses are things I should be doing with my baby come March and won't.

When we 1st lost the baby, the kids mom kept calling asking if we needed anything, saying they could just swing by. I didn't want to see baby J. I dreaded seeing C and  F, didn't want to go into the whole where is the baby conversation. It took a few days before I could see them, could deal with going back to work, when I did go back things where OK, different but OK.

In heaven, under the ground

When our dog died in 2009, the kids that I watch, discussed where Bear had gone in the way that 3 and 4 year olds do. "He's in Heaven under the ground." was the consensus. When someone dies they go to heaven and they get buried.

We had gone for an ultrasound to check on the baby and they had stopped by afterward. C's mommy told her that we had gotten pictures of the baby. C gave us the look you give someone who's trying to pull a fast one and said that you can't take a picture of something in your tummy. Then she said. " Could you hear the baby crying?"
I didn't see them again until after our baby died, C asked me about it on the car ride home one day.

"You had a baby in your tummy." she said "But now there is no baby in your tummy."
"That's right" I told her, "Our baby died because he came out of my tummy too soon and he was too small"
"So, he is in heaven under the ground." She said, "Why did he die?"
I told her that babies have to stay in their mommies tummies for a long time and that our baby didn't stay in long enough and he was too little. That he was in heaven under the ground and that we had buried him at his grandmas house. 
"But my mommy had babies in her tummy and we didn't die." She said.
I told her that  that was because when they where babies they stayed in their mommies tummy until they where big enough to come out.
It is probably one of the hardest conversations to have, how do you explain the senselessness of the whole thing? a specially to a child. It isn't something anyone should have to do.
A few days after we had this conversation her older brother F said "Your baby died."
I told him "That's right." 
C said "He's at his grandmas house"

a Hobbits Life

Not the fuzzy footed guys obsessed  with jewelery, rather the secluded recluse locked away from the world. There is a part of me that feels I could quite happily disappear beneath my comforter and never come out. Even now there is part of me that flickers with jealousy and darkness when I see pregnant women or brand new babies.
After our baby died I just wanted to disappear. I didn't want to write the facebook post saying our baby is dead, didn't want to tell the Bradly class we didn't need to come anymore. A lot of people jump back into work, but my work is babies.
I work as a nanny for three kids F who is 5, C who is 4, and babyJ who just turned 2. Kids who where excited that their was a baby in my tummy. Kids that I was dreading having a conversation with. I have gone back to work, but it's not the same as it was before. Its much easier to take care of someone else kids when you think that having your own is easy.
No matter how much I want to disappear, hideaway from people, it's not practical or healthy. So I go out and pretend to be normal and try and act like the babies, that seem to be everywhere, don't make my heart stop for a second. Maybe there will be a day that I don't have to act anymore when I will feel like a normal person and not have to just act like one.