Its been a long week...

25 weeks

 So pictures of me at 25 weeks. I've had a few people ask if I was due soon (nope just a large German baby) I'm not measuring huge, I just look huge.
It was a crazy week with bee swarms, lots of kids, yelling and general chaos. I've got a bit of time off now to get sewing done, house cleaned, one of our apartments painted and cleaned, and all the little things that need to be done that haven't been done.

All in all things are going well, I'd love to get things together and not feel so behind  and I can't quite believe how close October is getting and how much needs to be done before this baby is done.

25 week bump

give up

Don't you just hate it when your whole life seems to be coming apart at the seams?
I keep saying I'm fine and things are fine and how good things are. Like if I say it enough it is going to be true. The baby is fine and perfect and the pregnancy is perfect, its just the whole rest of my life that feels like it's imploding.
I'm so sick of pretending like it is all wonderful and desperately trying to hold the little pieces of my life together, it's just so tiring though and just when I think I'm making a little tinny bit of headway something else falls apart. I feel like I'm failing. Even as I write this I know that more bad things are going to happen that the stress isn't going to let up. That my life is going to stay imploded and part of me feels like I a selfish person for even thinking about bringing a baby into this mess. There is a limit to the amount of stuff that one person can handle and I feel like we've gotten or limit. So can bad things stop happening can we just, please, have a little bit of good luck. It isn't one thing that is bad or not going the way that we wish it was, it feels like everything, even the little ones, is going badly. I just am done. I just give up. I just want it all  to go away.

Midwife

Yesterday we had our appointment with our Midwife. Baby is measuring well, and has a strong heartbeat of 150 bpm. Everything else was great. Happy, happy happy.  I only got in a little trouble for not having started taking alfalfa, which I was supposed to start last time, but I started taking it yesterday and if taking goat food pills is what is needed for a healthy baby then I will gladly take them.

We've been working on setting up the baby things and I have decided to have a Blessing way instead of a baby shower when we go back to Portland in July. (I'll post more on what a blessing way is and how we are planning on doing it tomorrow)

The sun is out. Rob is making an omelet with fresh free range local chicken eggs, which always taste better than the store bought kind, and we got them for free (perks of knowing actually knowing the chickens) which makes them taste even better.

I have all sorts of plans for sewing fruits today, watermelons, oranges, pears, and apples.
I just feel happy and like today is going to be a good day.

disappointment

Story of  my life,   I think that I have things figured out and then I get smacked down by life.
The job would have been perfect. I didn't get, they hired someone before they even interviewed me. Which bugs me more than interviewing and not getting it. At least interview me when you said you where going to. 
So I'm stuck in a job I am growing to dread, with no real out,  I feel so stuck and was so upset yesterday the dog hid under our bed.
I know that things will work out and that what happens is what happens. I can only control how I react.
Can things just start going well, please, I honestly don't think that I can handle anymore hard life character building. Can't I get some of that happy life character building, please?

paper work

I have no insurance, which means on top of all the stress and emotional stuff from losing our baby, we have to deal with the stress and paperwork of assistance.
I've been told I don't qualify because I'm not pregnant, because my husbands part time, minimum wage job pays to much, now I have to give them every piece of paper I have touched in the past 6 months, go to an interview and may be, just maybe, they can set up some sort of payment plan. Chances are tt would probably have us paying the hospital for the next 40, 50 years.
It just sucks.
 The hospital can treat you like dirt for not being insured and charge you a huge amount of money to do it.
Medicaid is the worst, why they would punish you for trying to be a good person, for having a job, paying your bills, and then suddenly being hit with something huge. Its not like we don't want to be insured, its just not that easy to find a job with insurance.  Hospitals get to make up what ever amount they want to charge because, really what choice do you have, it leaves us stuck.

Hopefully the meeting goes well they help us, and later this week I have an interview for a new job, I am hopeful that things will work out.

In heaven, under the ground

When our dog died in 2009, the kids that I watch, discussed where Bear had gone in the way that 3 and 4 year olds do. "He's in Heaven under the ground." was the consensus. When someone dies they go to heaven and they get buried.

We had gone for an ultrasound to check on the baby and they had stopped by afterward. C's mommy told her that we had gotten pictures of the baby. C gave us the look you give someone who's trying to pull a fast one and said that you can't take a picture of something in your tummy. Then she said. " Could you hear the baby crying?"
I didn't see them again until after our baby died, C asked me about it on the car ride home one day.

"You had a baby in your tummy." she said "But now there is no baby in your tummy."
"That's right" I told her, "Our baby died because he came out of my tummy too soon and he was too small"
"So, he is in heaven under the ground." She said, "Why did he die?"
I told her that babies have to stay in their mommies tummies for a long time and that our baby didn't stay in long enough and he was too little. That he was in heaven under the ground and that we had buried him at his grandmas house. 
"But my mommy had babies in her tummy and we didn't die." She said.
I told her that  that was because when they where babies they stayed in their mommies tummy until they where big enough to come out.
It is probably one of the hardest conversations to have, how do you explain the senselessness of the whole thing? a specially to a child. It isn't something anyone should have to do.
A few days after we had this conversation her older brother F said "Your baby died."
I told him "That's right." 
C said "He's at his grandmas house"

a Hobbits Life

Not the fuzzy footed guys obsessed  with jewelery, rather the secluded recluse locked away from the world. There is a part of me that feels I could quite happily disappear beneath my comforter and never come out. Even now there is part of me that flickers with jealousy and darkness when I see pregnant women or brand new babies.
After our baby died I just wanted to disappear. I didn't want to write the facebook post saying our baby is dead, didn't want to tell the Bradly class we didn't need to come anymore. A lot of people jump back into work, but my work is babies.
I work as a nanny for three kids F who is 5, C who is 4, and babyJ who just turned 2. Kids who where excited that their was a baby in my tummy. Kids that I was dreading having a conversation with. I have gone back to work, but it's not the same as it was before. Its much easier to take care of someone else kids when you think that having your own is easy.
No matter how much I want to disappear, hideaway from people, it's not practical or healthy. So I go out and pretend to be normal and try and act like the babies, that seem to be everywhere, don't make my heart stop for a second. Maybe there will be a day that I don't have to act anymore when I will feel like a normal person and not have to just act like one.