Today I am more pregnant that I have ever been. Crazy exciting.
I don't even have words for the excitement and apprehension that I feel.
New uncharted territory.
No longer able to compare last time to this time.
Last time my baby was dead by now this time my baby is still alive.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
New Year
It is almost the new year.
New year, new start.
New hope.
I love the idea of making resolutions, of a new start new possibilities. The idea that all your problems can be fixed by making a list and everything will be better. I think most people like the idea.
Most people end up breaking there resolutions before the first full week of January.
Still, I have hope that 2011 will be better.
I am going to work on myself on doing things that I have stopped doing.
Doing more creative things: art, writing, crafting; working on the house; finding peace in my life.
Finding organization for things.
Organizing my chaos.
Be happy that is the biggest most important resolution of them all.
New year, new start.
New hope.
I love the idea of making resolutions, of a new start new possibilities. The idea that all your problems can be fixed by making a list and everything will be better. I think most people like the idea.
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| me and my sister in 1992 |
Still, I have hope that 2011 will be better.
I am going to work on myself on doing things that I have stopped doing.
Doing more creative things: art, writing, crafting; working on the house; finding peace in my life.
Finding organization for things.
Organizing my chaos.
Be happy that is the biggest most important resolution of them all.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Good news
Yesterday I went in to the doctors office to get a blood draw and a check up. Good news, iron levels are back up and I'm no longer anemic. It's nice to have something go well. One less hurtle to face.
The only bad thing is the doctor was saying that we should wait 6 months till we try again.
I don't know if we will wait that long, but we may wait a little longer than we had planned to just to make sure.
We have been going to the pool and I've gotten out the work out dvd's out. My new years resolution is to work hard get getting healthy for baby to be. I just feel like I owe it to both babies (our son and baby to be) to take this seriously and work hard getting as healthy as I can. It wasn't like I was lacking when we got pregnant last time but there where moments that I slacked off. When I didn't follow the Brewers diet, didn't go to the pool. I know that this time there will not be that sort of "oh lets just have pizza, and skip the gym" moments. Gone are the high fructose corn syrup, the ingredients that are hard to say, we've even given up the lotions and things that go on our skin that don't get a good score on skin deep a great website that rates products based on how safe the ingredients in them are.
The only bad thing is the doctor was saying that we should wait 6 months till we try again.
I don't know if we will wait that long, but we may wait a little longer than we had planned to just to make sure.
We have been going to the pool and I've gotten out the work out dvd's out. My new years resolution is to work hard get getting healthy for baby to be. I just feel like I owe it to both babies (our son and baby to be) to take this seriously and work hard getting as healthy as I can. It wasn't like I was lacking when we got pregnant last time but there where moments that I slacked off. When I didn't follow the Brewers diet, didn't go to the pool. I know that this time there will not be that sort of "oh lets just have pizza, and skip the gym" moments. Gone are the high fructose corn syrup, the ingredients that are hard to say, we've even given up the lotions and things that go on our skin that don't get a good score on skin deep a great website that rates products based on how safe the ingredients in them are.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Baby things
When your pregnant the list of things "that are absolutely necessary for a baby" is long. We had been working on getting everything ready for our impending bundle of joy. We had bouncy seats,tinny socks, onesies, and a crib.
Suddenly we where a little lacking in joy and had an overabundance in baby things. It took me a while to be able to put our baby things away, clearing out my dresser of all the maternity clothing, packing up the baby's things. At the bottom of our closet is a pile of nursing pillows and a whole lot of defeat. I know that sounds mellow dramatic.
I managed to get everything put away, with an exception of the crib. It has been sitting in our bedroom.We had set up since before we got pregnant. Now I'm dismantling it, putting it in the basement.
Its a good thing clearing the baggage the baby gear and the emotional. All though is sad putting it all away unneeded and unused. Its slightly liberating. Maybe in a few months we will have a reason to pull it all out again. That idea makes me a little excited.
Suddenly we where a little lacking in joy and had an overabundance in baby things. It took me a while to be able to put our baby things away, clearing out my dresser of all the maternity clothing, packing up the baby's things. At the bottom of our closet is a pile of nursing pillows and a whole lot of defeat. I know that sounds mellow dramatic.
I managed to get everything put away, with an exception of the crib. It has been sitting in our bedroom.We had set up since before we got pregnant. Now I'm dismantling it, putting it in the basement.
Its a good thing clearing the baggage the baby gear and the emotional. All though is sad putting it all away unneeded and unused. Its slightly liberating. Maybe in a few months we will have a reason to pull it all out again. That idea makes me a little excited.
1st comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ...
You don't think about having a baby being a hard thing to do. When you are young, newly married, happy it seems natural that the next step.
I took the job seriously stopped drinking coffee, started working out, eating right, taking prenatal vitamins. I read every baby/pregnancy book I could get my hands on.
So many of the books talked about how hard it could be. Little windows of time, basil temperatures, low sperm count, charting, three month average. It was a little daunting.
We where lucky the first month we started trying we got lucky. At our wedding we where 6 weeks pregnant. It was exciting to get to share the news with all our family who live so far from us.
I loved everything about being pregnant. Morning sickness, swelling baby bump. Everything was wonderful, everything was going well until I started bleeding.
They tell you don't tell anyone that you are expecting until after 12 weeks. once you get to that second trimester your past the danger of miscarrying, the probability of a late miscarriage is low.
At 13 weeks I started bleeding, which can be nothing. Our baby's heart was beating strong, on the ultrasound the Dr. had a hard time counting it because our little wiggle worm was all over the place. Good signs.
For the next few weeks I couldn't lift, had to take it easy, the bleeding turned into light spotting.
At 16 weeks (4 months)
I woke up in pain my water broke. I was in labor. A few hours later our son was born. a few hours later I had emergency surgery. A few hours after that I was sent home.
No longer pregnant, no longer expecting.
The placental just peeled away separated from the wall until my baby couldn't breath anymore.
Physically I'm lucky, the hospital was horrible, I'm lucky i didn't die. In a few months we should be able to try again. There is no reason to think anything bad will happen.
I am lucky.
I took the job seriously stopped drinking coffee, started working out, eating right, taking prenatal vitamins. I read every baby/pregnancy book I could get my hands on.
So many of the books talked about how hard it could be. Little windows of time, basil temperatures, low sperm count, charting, three month average. It was a little daunting.
We where lucky the first month we started trying we got lucky. At our wedding we where 6 weeks pregnant. It was exciting to get to share the news with all our family who live so far from us.
I loved everything about being pregnant. Morning sickness, swelling baby bump. Everything was wonderful, everything was going well until I started bleeding.
They tell you don't tell anyone that you are expecting until after 12 weeks. once you get to that second trimester your past the danger of miscarrying, the probability of a late miscarriage is low.
At 13 weeks I started bleeding, which can be nothing. Our baby's heart was beating strong, on the ultrasound the Dr. had a hard time counting it because our little wiggle worm was all over the place. Good signs.
For the next few weeks I couldn't lift, had to take it easy, the bleeding turned into light spotting.
At 16 weeks (4 months)
I woke up in pain my water broke. I was in labor. A few hours later our son was born. a few hours later I had emergency surgery. A few hours after that I was sent home.
No longer pregnant, no longer expecting.
The placental just peeled away separated from the wall until my baby couldn't breath anymore.
Physically I'm lucky, the hospital was horrible, I'm lucky i didn't die. In a few months we should be able to try again. There is no reason to think anything bad will happen.
I am lucky.
Before...
I have never been one of those people who "gets it." I'm always a step behind just a little bit different and slower than everyone else at just about everything. When I was a preteen I made this list of things I needed to be a teenager. Enough shades of nail polish for each finger and toe, posters on my walls, lip gloss. I kept adding to the list because as I fulfilled each requirement I didn't feel closer to being a real teenager. I still felt like I was playing a part.Grown up life has been like that too, I spent so much time thinking about what it meant to be a grown up. A house, car, job, husband. That sometimes I feel like I missed a step. Their is that point between living at home with your parents and having your own house that I glazed over.Here I am at married, with a house, a car, job, plans to start trying to be someones mommy and I sometimes feel like I must have missed something.
I love my life, I love my husband, our house, my job. Its an amazing dream life, that I never truly thought I'd end up getting. I feel so lucky to have all that I have. It is an amazing sense of security and grounding support that has allowed me to grow in so many ways.
For the 1st time in my life I feel that I don't need a list. I don't need to watch other people and try and copy what they have. It is an amazing feeling happiness.
A happiness that was intensified by being pregnant.
I love my life, I love my husband, our house, my job. Its an amazing dream life, that I never truly thought I'd end up getting. I feel so lucky to have all that I have. It is an amazing sense of security and grounding support that has allowed me to grow in so many ways.
For the 1st time in my life I feel that I don't need a list. I don't need to watch other people and try and copy what they have. It is an amazing feeling happiness.
A happiness that was intensified by being pregnant.
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