Grumpy mom

C dumping the puffs and grinding them into the carpet

As a mom I feel I spend way to much time saying no, don't touch that do that, stop that, leave it. I spend way to much time feeling angry and grumpy.
I hate being an irritated mommy. I want to be one of the easy going parents and most of the time I am able to parent gently. I fully believe in attachment parenting. I know my child is a better because we don't cry it out, I listen to what he is saying and feeling and respond to his needs. Sure it means I don't have "Me time" but I feel like I get plenty of selfish time. I get to do what I want I get books read, I go out with friends, I take walks and go shopping. I just do it all with my little person snuggled up next to me.

Its getting harder as he gets older to feel like a calm easy going mommy. I get caught up in the constant redirection and it stresses me out and I end up losing my calm and snapping. I am done. I know how I want my day to go, how I want to be as a mother and I know I've gone off that path, I'm drifting and so I've decided I need a change.

I am going to try to actively work toward being a better mother, defining my ideal and figuring out what my life right now is lacking, I have started a long list of parenting books and memoirs I want to read, I have lots of projects I've been meaning to get around to. Ideas for structuring our days to avoid the dreaded toddler melt downs. I just need to put all this research into affect. Its not just parenting, its being a better wife, a better friend, its about being a better me.

I'll be posting a list of goals, a list of projects, and a list of books later and then I'll start working through the lists. I'm hoping that by having them written out and by using this blog I'll be able to keep myself on track.

Homestead daydreams

I am a little obsessed lately with the whole Homestead in your own backyard, mini farm movement that seems to be sweeping the country.

 I love the idea of The Little House in the City, vegetables growing in raised beds while small livestock like goats,sheep and bunnies graze peacefully in the backyard, the free range chickens cluck and wander laying pretty brown eggs that I whip up into delicious from scratch meals in my plastic free kitchen while wearing an apron that I sewed and embroidered myself, the panty is overflowing in homemade canned goods. At dinner we sit by the light of candles we made during afternoon craft time with the children and my darling husband sips his home brewed beer. I love the idea of this simple life with everything homemade and real not processed and packaged in plastic and just the buy more more more low quality fast life that seems to be so mainstream. I want my children to play in the dirt, I want them to know where food comes from, I want a simple life. A good life.

  In many ways the whole movement was how I was brought up, we grew a lot of our food, caned, lived simply and I want that same sort of life now. With the number of food issues we have in our house and the number of food issues that seem to keep popping up in the news suggesting that processed foods and gmo foods are really bad for us, it makes sense to get back to basics and grow our own.  I'm cheap too, I want to eat well but I can't afford to feed my family organic foods all the time, I can afford the time it takes to grow them however and so this month we have been converting our front yard in to a pretty amazing vegetable garden.  I can afford much nicer things if I buy them second hand from thrift stores and yard sales. I like the thrill of not knowing what exactly I'm going to find. I like that I could, if I wanted to, make just
about anything my family needed, I can do all sorts of crafty homemaker things that have become a novelty I can sew, can, bake, I'm good and figuring out how to make things work or go with out. I like the chalenges of being responsable for my home and family.

That's not to say that my house is always clean, it rarely is, or that we don't have nights were dinner is what ever you can find that's edible in the house. I would like to be a "better" mother and wife, to be more organized and together. I want to have the time to do all the crafty things I see on pinterest and to take the time to give my child pretty bento meals all decorated in a theme vs the same old standbys. I am human and there are only so many hours in the day.

That said I do want my house to be more.

This week the small one has been over joyed to spend the day sitting in the front yard with a spade and a pile of dirt to dig in while mommy and daddy work hard at converting a boring lawn into a bunch of raised beds. I have great plans for a large vegetable garden and its been  hard blistering work. I think once we get done its going to look amazing. We have already gotten complements from the neighbors probably because they have realized that this summer our yard wont be an over grown weed monstrosity it was last year.

Not only is a large vegetable garden on our to do list, building a chicken coop, new clothes line, jump starting the compost bin and a lot of do it from scratch recipes are on the list for this summer. Cheese making, and brewing beer are on the list too. There are lots of sewing projects like new cushions for benches and reusable bags that are on my ever grown list as well.

I'm excited I know that lots of things that go onto my list wont happen this summer, or even next but just having a list, having goals to work toward and things that I feel will make our family closer and life easier in the long run is comforting.

 I'm hoping that keeping this blog and posting my long list of Homestead wishes and Crafting to dos out in the open will be insensitive to do them, instead of spending hours looking and neat ideas on pinterest or talking about how we should have a craft night or canning party on facebook, I'm hoping that I will be able to use that time to just do it. 

Sleep

I love watching C sleep. I was blessed with a baby who loves to sleep long naps,and through the night, cuddled up on his micro fleece blanket he sleeps and sleeps not even waking up to nurse just moving open mouth and closed eyes to where I am laying making his impatience little milk noises. I love feeling his body grow heavy when he gives in the power of the ergo nap, or watching him try to keep his eyes open when he nurses down at night.  Sleeping babies are the best so calm and peaceful. He wakes up full of happy smiles and hugs and kisses, it is worth all the early nights of sitting up struggling to keep my own eyes open, to be able to watch him now away in his milky dreams.

New year New plan

We are always working toward a better life. A big part of  that is reducing the trash that our household makes, and reducing our impact on the world. We where both brought up in frugal reused, recycle types of households. My goal in our house is  to not  use toxic stuff, on our bodies, in our house, or our yard.

We have gotten rid of paper towels replacing them with micro fiber towels,
we don't have paper napkins, we use cloth
we buy mostly in bulk, and make food from scratch
we use vinger and baking soda for most of our house hold cleaning.
We make our own laundry soap.
We buy 98% of out stuff second hand.
We are trying to be more local/homemade
We don't eat stuff that is not real. (HFCS, other chemicals)
We are fazing out store bought lotions, soaps, ect for natural alternatives,
Come spring we will start our compost bin again (it sadly failed in the fall and needs some work so that it is not a doggie all you can eat bar.)
We are planning a good sized garden, planning on joining a CSA.
Thinking about getting some chickens.
we have reusable coffee cups,
homemade not store bought
planning on canning food and making beer
planning on biking more maybe making a no drive day.


when i write out what we do a and plan on doing it makes me realize one how much we do, and to how much we can still do.

Going green

I have the worst case of Green Guilt.
I have always lived a Eco-friendly life. Growing up we lived in a tiny little house with a garden where we grew our own food. We walked most places we started a composting program in schools, helped with starting recycling in the town where we lived. Years later the way I was brought up is still a huge part of how I live.
Now I am living in my own home with my own family and we do a lot. We compost, use cloth napkins, have a garden (small), try to eat local/organic, we have the right light bulbs, we buy in bulk, buy most of our stuff second hand. We are very Eco-aware but it never feels like its enough. It seems that we are being bombarded with demands to live better, books about people who are going the distance, Companies are layering on guilt a lot of the guilt is misplaced companies telling us to buy things that are "Eco-friendly" when consumerism is not what we should be doing to be green.
I think that guilt can be a good thing, guilt for getting a to go cup at the coffee shop, for driving instead of walking, with out that guilt, I think, that  we would do theses things more.
There is another side to green guilt the Eco-smugness which comes with being the person who is  pulling out there reusable bags, or lugging locally grown, organic, vegetables home on foot from the farmers market.  Maybe that is what will make more people become over to the green side.