Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Waiting, debating the possibility of  two pink  lines.
What would it mean to be pregnant again? To be due in August.
Are we ready to do this again?  To potentially end up without a baby again.
What happens if the little lines appear what happens if we have to go though this again?
I could go out and get a test, I could take it but then, if what happens if its positive?
It's interesting the 1st time we were so excited there is a innocence that we would get pregnant and nine months later we would have a baby. This time we know a positive test doesn't mean a baby doesn't mean anything. We are jaded.  Guarded against the pain.
I wrote the first bit a few days ago and the second today
We aren't pregnant, won't be having a little Leo baby. Which is a good thing. We aren't trying, aren't ready to tackle the emotion that would come with being pregnant. We want to wait until January. New year, new baby.

I was worried about how I would react to not being pregnant as much as how I would react to being pregnant. The 1st period was hard. I Thought it would be a relief that it would be one step closer to getting better. It was horrible, I was an emotional wreck, it was a shocking realization that it was truly over. This time however its easier, aside from being very late,  I feel at peace with it all.


rebecca said...

Stopping by via LFCA. The unknown is such an emotional roller coaster at times. Glad you're feeling at peace about not being pregnant now and hoping that when you're ready things go smoothly. You're right its so hard to lose your innocence regarding pregnancy and knowing all too well the sad and awful things that can happen. Sending positive vibes your way and hoping that 2011 brings good things to us both!

justine said...

Here from LFCA. Pregnancy after loss is so complicated, emotionally ... after losing two, I think it'll be hard until I'm holding a baby in my arms. I'm glad that you're feeling at peace now, and that you've given yourself time and space before you start down this road again. Sending good thoughts for a better 2011.

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